Tag: psychology

FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT

on By

Do you ever notice, when you do something a little differently, maybe a new approach, or a new attitude or behaviour, a part of you says “Hey. Why are you being fake?” As if you’re being a traitor to your own “pure” nature?
A
This happens to me all the time. I remember when I first started going to the gym, some voice in my head kept saying “Oi. Why are you at the gym? You’re not a gym person. Nobody likes a fake.”
A
It’s a strange phenomenon. It’s almost like somewhere along the way (for me, I think it was adolescence) you decide what the real “you” is – this unfettered, undiluted, pure version of “you” – and then, when you do anything to challenge it, a part of you gets indignant and tries to talk you out of it.
A
It’s funny because we hate the idea of being “fake” or trying to be something false or inauthentic.

You’re constantly told “Be Yourself”, but why?

When it’s restricting you from being who you’d prefer to be? What if parts of who I “really” am are kinda shitty? Maybe I’ve always been a bit judgy, and impatient, and a sulk? Do  I accept that’s how I am? Because that’s how I’ve always been, and therefore how I’ll always be. Or can I say, “hey, I’m gonna start trying to be less of a stroppy, whingy bitch?”
A
The old, primal centre of our brain isn’t a big fan of change. This was because back when we were cave dwellers, change could mean getting eaten by wolves or dying from eating poisonous clams. For some us, this caveman brain is over-active. It wants you to be the same way you always have been because it’s is safe, comfortable and predictable – even if it hasn’t served you in your life thus far particularly well. This is why when you try to shake things up and think/behave a little differently, it goes “HEY. WHAT THIS? PLS DON’T.”
A
If you want to change who you are to make yourself happier, healthier or get you closer to your goals, don’t stress over being “fake” or betraying the person you think you rly are. We can adopt and develop new habits, behaviours and thought patterns all throughout our life. Parts of our brains can make change difficult but not impossible.

Your identity is not a prison, it’s a playground.

Try new things, be curious, have fun, and be what makes you happy.

STRONG IS THE NEW BRAIN-THING

on By

We like the idea of being strong. It’s nice to not collapse while carrying your grocery bags, or put your back out moving a couch, or sob defeated in the corner of the kitchen thanks to the lid of a peanut butter jar.

We admire the physique of men and woman who are strong as we understand they didn’t get there by accident. Physical strength takes discipline. It takes commitment. It takes continuous and repeated attempts, many failures, some injuries (perhaps) and lots of bloody hard work. No one just “is strong”, strength is earned over time, and garners respect.

So why is it that we don’t treat psychological strength the same way?

Psychological strength or resilience is possibly one of the most useful assets we can develop. It’s what gives us the ability to bounce back from hardship and mentally deal with lots of life’s bullshit. And while it’s often just assumed that we’re built equipped by default, for many of us, this is just not the case. If you’ve ever struggled with depression or anxiety, self esteem issues or feelings of unworthiness, you’ll probably appreciate how much work it takes to simply try and take control of these nasty mental gremlins.
A
So how do you build your brain muscles? It’s certainly possible, but like washboard abs or a sick set of Sarah Connor arms, it can take lots of training and commitment. Not made easier by the fact that the brain’s a lazy piece of shit that always prefers to do what it’s always done. So if you’ve come to think of yourself as a limp noodle who deserves to cop all of life’s misery, it’s gonna take a helluva lot more effort to shift that pattern of thinking than simply buying a Poo Emoji mug that says “Good Vibes Only”.
A
Currently I’m trying out Mindfulness practices to help develop my own psychological resilience. Here’s a few that are currently in the werks…
A

  • EXERCISE:
    This was the first thing that worked for me, and I was shocked to say the least (I had a “sick” day pretty much every PD/H/PE day in high school and thought people who did sport were boring.) Working out drags you kicking and screaming into the present moment, which means you cant sulk about the past, or fret about the future. You just suffer, sweaty and exhausted, in the present. And hopefully get a nice butt.
    A
  • DAILY MEDITATION:
    Have tried and failed at this many times. What can I say, Im shithouse at meditation. I get bored. I think about breakfast. I think about memes. I design stylish macrame hangings. Basically everything but meditate. Have started up again, committed to 15min each morning with a guided track. This is a work in progress.
    A
  • GIVING MYSELF SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO:
    I love this one because it makes me justify random holidays as a self-care thing.
    A
  • CUTTING DOWN ON MULTI-TASKING:
    This one is pretty much the hardest atm, but am taking baby steps. Like most of us, I try to do lots of stuff all at once (read: I try do do lots of stuff while also doing the internet). It’s not particularly efficient, it’s a poor use of resources and guarantees that my mind isn’t ever completely in the task at hand. In an effort to cultivate mindfulness, I’ve given myself the challenge to complete certain tasks (such as cooking dinner or cleaning the apartment) without scrolling through Instagram or refreshing Facebook. This sounds boring, and it is, but it’s supposed to be good for you so I’m trying it.

MEMORY MAKING (AND FAKING)

on By

Imagine you could go on a holiday, but once it was over, you had to erase any evidence that it ever occurred and your mind was wiped clean of any recollection of it happening. How much would you pay for such a holiday? Would you even bother going at all?
Ω
We spend a great deal of our lives tending to the making of memories. They feel intrinsic to who we are, and an accurate record of our past experiences. But often these memories are far from accurate and often cultivated at the expense of our experiencing self – the self who would’ve likely had a damn good holiday.
Ω
The experiencing self is the one that answers the question “How does it feel now?”, the remembering self is the one that answers the question “How was it, on the whole?” “Memories are all we get to keep from our experiences of living, and the only perspective that we can adopt as we think about our lives is therefore that of the remembering self.”
Ω
Only thing is, that our memories work in strange ways. Not so much remembering things as they actually were but rather fleshed out from a bare few indicators of significant or intense experience – namely the peak and the end. Think back to your last relationship. Chances are, if things ended badly, it’s harder to remember all those happy, content and satisfied feelings you felt together before things went south. Or getting a tattoo – it might not have hurt too badly the whole time, but you’ll remember the worst of the pain and that’s what you’ll take away from it.
Ω
Our remembering self is important because it allows us to learn and grow from past experiences. But it can be unhelpful when we compare present experiences with the memories of old ones, as they can pale by comparison – not due to the fact that the current events are any less significant or meaningful, but rather our remembering self has imbued the past with a reverence not so much earned by the events themselves but by the constant re-remembering of them. So the good times are remembered as amazing times and the bad times are often remembered as being much worse than they were.
Ω
A lesson to be learned here is to have a healthy skepticism of our memories, and not to disregard the experiencing self as transitory and insignificant. Spend time cultivating mindfulness and try and be present in the moment as it occurs. It’s a challenge, especially in our current society where a moment can be captured so easily by an iPhone, with a selfie stick, or when you (me) have just bought a new SLR camera.
Ω
“The photographer does not view the scene as a moment to be avoided but as a future memory to be designed. Pictures may be useful to the remembering self – though we rarely look at them for very long, or as often as we expected, or even at all – but picture taking is not necessarily the best way for the tourist’s experiencing self to enjoy a view. ”
Ω
Ol’ Johnny was spot on…
Ω

Ω
Quotes taken from Daniel Kahneman’s Thinking Fast & Slow (Pages 381 & 389)

YOU’RE THE CHOICE (TRY AND UNDERSTAND IT)

on By

Have you ever felt completely trapped inside your skin. Like there is this intrinsic, inescapable and essential “you” that you’re stuck dealing with until your dead? I’ve always found this a rather frightening concept. We’re born, we grow up and bit by bit we reveal this “us-ness”, carved into us like a chunk of marble being sculpted, according to our genetic make up (nature) and our upbringing and environment (nurture), into what is essentially a person we, as individuals, have had very little control over. It can be an easy and understandable explanation for our characters; if it’s something good (something that we like about ourselves), it feels comforting to know that it is a genuine and accurate aspect of who we are. If it’s something crappy (that we don’t like about ourselves), it can be dismissively attributed to outside factors.
Ω
I was always happy to explain away my character in this fashion. “Oh, I behave this way because I was “born this way” or I at least had a predilection to be this way and eventually just ended up here.” It’s all well and good until you find yourself dealing with the likes of stress, anxiety and depression, and once these conditions dig in and take hold (as they unfortunately so often do) you reach the point where you begin to think “Oh well, I guess this is just who I am. A horribly stressed/anxious/depressed mess. Looks like I’m stuck like this forever.”
Ω
It’s a sad and frighteningly common feeling, that notion of “doing life” with an inescapable cell mate who is essentially you, and so it often takes a great deal of courage and strength to break out of that mentality and recognise that you, right here, right now, can be responsible for shaping who you are/will be – and unlike anything that happened to you as a child, or that you got lumped with from your biological parents, you finally have some say in it. And it all starts with choice.
Ω
Every day, in everything we do, we’re making choices. Big ones, small ones, ones that we’re making for the first time, and ones that we made for the first time a long time ago, and now we make without even thinking. These constant, and often subconscious choices we make according to reason and deliberation or feeling and instinct slowly but surely make their imprint upon us until “we form ourselves to respond predictably, build up a class of responses, an ever widening array of things and states we approach or avoid.”
Ω
Have you ever dropped something on the floor that’s kinda made a mess and found yourself entertaining two thoughts – “I dropped that. I should really clean that up” and “No one has seen me drop that, so it could’ve been anyone. I’ll leave it and someone else will clean it up.” I know, not exactly the moral conundrum that makes a riveting GoT episode, but something significant nonetheless. Because it is in these seemingly innocuous decision-making moments that we set precedents for our future choices and then in turn, our future character.
Ω
Many of histories great thinkers, including Aristotle and Sir Thomas Aquinas “place these depositions at the heart of morality, vice and virtue” and so essentially “at the heart of character”. Instead of deeming us trapped for a lifetime with an immovable identity, they instead assure us that “character is not just innate disposition but also an accretion of choices, a mixing of impulse and reason played out over time until it hardens into all how we are, and how we got there.” What they want to tell us is, “Be careful: as we begin, so we will become.”
Ω
It can be a somewhat difficult notion to face, as it lumps us with the very unromantic and effortful task of responsibility, but it also liberates us by offering us the ability to change. And, although change is often difficult, the idea that it is at least possible can help us manage and alter those less-than-pleasant parts of ourselves that we once may have considered to be set in stone. But from little things, big things grow, and so it is with making changes in ourselves. Large and life changing choices come around only every so often (unless you’re Buffy or Jack Bauer) but we make small choices every day. And entertaining the consideration of these choices, realising that they are indeed choices we can make, can start us down the road of who we want to be. But it takes time and repeated effort. Just like you’re not going to look like Miranda Kerr after eating a few quinoa salads and having one session of reformer pilates, you’re not going to change yourself by choosing to pick up that mess “that one time” – you’ve gotta commit, and pick up that mess every damn time.
Ω
“A deed, once done, creates tendency for its repetition and reactivation of the tendency gives it greater force. Eventually, these tendencies can harden into all we’ve got and become our character.”
Ω
(All quotes taken from Vincent Deary’s HOW WE ARE. If you’re into thinking about all this stuff, go read it. It’s awesome.)

TIME TO BE TERRIBLE

on By

Like lots of people I know, I loathe the feeling of being terrible at something. It swarms me with a glittering array of feelings ranging from inferiority &  jealousy to stupidity and embarrassment and makes me less than inclined to face up to my ineptitude a second time around. We grown ups have all got so many talents and skills – many that have been developed and honed over years and years – that somewhere along the way we have forgotten what it’s like to start again from the very beginning.
Ω
It’s a daunting task – especially in this challenging and competitive world where our levels of expertise and aptitude are directly responsible for gaining us employment, bringing us praise and acknowledgement and setting us apart from the legions of “basics” who try but cant do what we can do  nearly as well as us. We like to feel good at things – it’s flattering to our egos and it helps offer us a sense of identity and belonging to an exclusive community that is defined by a shared and relatable skill set (like musicians, accountants, pole dancers, etc). We like to be seen in the light of things that we’re good at as it helps us feel validated – our talents and skills, however right or wrong it may be, make us feel worthy – and there’s no greater proof of that than that warm, fuzzy (and slightly evil) feeling we get when we watch someone struggle with or fail at something that to us seems natural and effortless.
Ω
For most of us, the majority of our new learning experiences occurred as children – back when being crappy at stuff was pretty much considered an inevitability. Now, a lot of that early learning has morphed into something that seems intrinsic to our nature – like walking or reading or killing it as Kirby in Super Smash Bros 64 – that we fail to acknowledge there was a time back when we couldn’t walk, couldn’t read, and didn’t automatically go for the Down + B attack (Rest in PIECES, SAMUS!)
Ω
Now, in adultland,  being crappy whilst in the throes of learning something new isn’t considered as adorable and understandable as much as it is frustrating and time consuming (which I’m sure anyone stuck behind a learner driver or standing in the epic post office queue whilst the trainee serves can attest to (srsly, hurry the f up.) Not to mention that we usually have to pay more experienced people to suffer through our ineptitude in order to teach us the stuff we want to be able to do. That means PAYING MONEY to BE SHIT at something. Ummmmmm….no.
Ω
But, as many reasons as there are to avoid the uncomfortable task of learning something new, it’s a hugely important part of our continuous mental/physical/social & spiritual development. Learning something new ignites the parts of our brains that have grown stale, lazy and complacent with assumed knowledge and repeated behaviours. It requires patience, perseverance and humility and reminds us what it is to be human – capable of falling, rising, growing and  appreciating what efforts are involved to do something new, unfamiliar and challenging.
Ω
So today I ask you that trite and oft pinned quotation – when’s the last time you did something  for the first time? Something that you were really, truly terrible at? The worse, the better – as it takes you even further away from your particular, ingrained skill set. Go find something interesting, or uncomfortable or even scary to do and allow yourself to wallow in your incompetence. Your initial inability is not proof of your hopelessness as much as it is evidence that you’re brave enough to break out of your safe zone to grow, learn and, in my case, finally be capable of driving a manual. 

(Feature Image via Tumblr)