Tag: relationships

THE ONE THING DESTROYING OUR RELATIONSHIPS (AND MAKING US MISERABLE)

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Often we’d consider mind reading a skill reserved for only the most skilled psychics and psycho therapists, so it’s pretty funny how so many of us bestow this rare talent upon the laypeople around us.
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To be honest, we read people’s minds all the time, or at least we try (and think we are better at it than we actually are). But our own minds are complex, fuzzy, little universes, with heaps going on (particularly just as we’re trying to go to sleep or meditate – amirite?). Our own minds are tough enough to work out as it is, so it seems foolish for us to assume that anyone else can guess with any accuracy what the hell is going on in there.
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I used to make mind reading a pre-requisite of all my relationships. If I was angry, hurt or upset, I would not say anything because I thought that my friends, if they were TRUE friends, would pick up on my inner discord, run to my side and comfort and console me. Needless to say, this happened rarely and my friends carried on like nothing was wrong while I remained bitter and miserable like a trodden-on olive.
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This lack of perception on my friends part (and over assumption on mine) is not surprising. According to a study done, when people are asked to lie or conceal strong emotions “we tend to think the truth will be detected by others significantly more often that it actually is.” (Good news for people smuggling caps into Stereosonic!) “Our intuitive sense that our emotions leak out and are clearly visible to others seems to be more of an egocentric illusion than objective reality.”
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The problem is that we assume body language and reading people’s facial expressions are the key to deciphering emotion, but studies show that talking and using your grown up words is the most effective and accurate. Basically actions speak louder than words, but words speak louder than nothing (duh). With our friends, family and partners, we often have expectations of them to “just know” what we want, how we feel, what to get us for our birthdays (sorry Joely, ily). And while people we are closer with do “know” us better, they’re not necessarily any more adept at being able to decipher our wants, needs and desires to any particular level of accuracy.
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This is the problem in relationships when we start the silent treatment, game playing and concealing emotions and feelings.  When you say “nothing’s wrong” when a friend or partner asks “what’s wrong?” and there IS something wrong, you’re pretty much training them that those accurate, non-verbal signals they’re picking up are incorrect, leaving them only to deduce that when those signals are employed again in the future, they wont indicate that something is wrong.
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Of course there’s often our reluctance to put forth our feelings or emotions out of fear of rejection, embarrassment or ridicule. Men are more prone to this (thanks society) but I’ve definitely avoided expressing myself, figuring that my feels were “probably just a bit silly and not worth talking about”. That doesn’t stop me from acting like a stroppy bitch for a whole afternoon, leaving my boyfriend to repeatedly ask if I’m “okay?” when I’m sure he’d probably prefer I just came clean with my ‘silly feels’ rather than pretending everything was hunky dory.
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“Opening up a bit more often, when your own perspective matters and when that perspective is warranted, benefits those who give their perspective as well as those who are willing to use it” says Nicholas Epsley in his cool, psychology book ‘Mindwise’. “Knowing others minds requires asking and listening, not just reading and guessing.”
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So ditch the divination, make like Madge and Express Yourself – clearly and honestly to those you love, not just rudely and violently to Trump voters on the internet. If talking about your feelings still feels icky and uncomfortable, get creative and find an outlet to let dem feels out – cronut baking, interpretive mud dancing, penis art, etc. All creativity, used as a mode of communication, is somewhat therapeutic in nature as it allows us a platform to communicate our feelings and perspectives and helps connect us to others. 

LOVE IS FOREVER (AND NEVER)

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It’s funny, how we go about love. Something so huge and all encompassing yet at the same time, delicate and subtle. I’ve always been a massive romantic (philosophically speaking, not in the “stuffed teddy bears and love heart chocolates” sense – ew). Love had always seemed much more captivating, alluring and authentic to me when it was tumultuous, challenging and heart wrenchingly passionate. Stories like Romeo & Juliet, Wuthering Heights and the Sorrows of Young Werther probably didn’t do me any great favours in contradicting this idea. But the reality of this type of love is that something like it just can’t last (note the literary references above and their respective body counts). While it might not be necessary fatal IRL, it’s often difficult, painful, emotionally depleting and physically exhausting.
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Then, there’s the other “boring” type of love. That safe, comforting, embracing kind that grows big and beautiful through years of companionship, mutual respect and support. It sounds safe. But this, this is the love that scares me. Because this is the love that should last forever. Only sometimes it doesn’t.
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A few months ago I had the beginnings of a panic attack. My head got really faint, my breathing became quick and fast, and I felt an overwhelming nausea and fear sweep over me. It happened soon after my sister suddenly separated from her long-term partner, one of my best friends had a shitty break up, and for the first time, I met my partner’s ex-girlfriend, who he’d been together with for many years prior. I felt that, all around me, were symbols of love’s mortality, and that idea of the transience and impermanency of love frightened me – almost to the point of physical collapse.
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Okay, so yes, I’m a bloody drama queen. But once I caught my breath, bought a Boost Juice, and booked in to see a decent psychologist, I thought about love a bit more and that suffocating idea of “forever”. We dress it up and romanticise it, but what is “forever” if not an idea, a “concept” that sounds lofty and epic but is not something actionable, because we cannot actually do anything “forever”. In fact, we can’t even do anything “yesterday”, “tomorrow” or “next week”. Sure we make plans, we set goals, we often lay out our lives out ahead of us to give us something to work towards or look forward to, but in reality, the only moment that is in our control is this minute, this second, we live breath by breath. And it’s only in these little, tiny moments that we can really build love towards anything that looks like forever. Those tiny, bad choices we make in love, like ignoring our partner when they ask us to watch a cat video on YouTube, or not responding to text messages in order to make them worried or jealous, or making subtle (or not so subtle) comments that you know will make them feel guilty, ashamed or belittled – it’s these actions, however small, that can chip away at at any sort of love, let alone a “forever” one.
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So I won’t faint again at the bleak reality of love having an end date, because I don’t think anyone can really “love” forever. What we can do is keep making those little choices, moment by moment, and make them from a place of love. From that kind, respectful and compassionate place that’s often reserved for baby animals and our friends non-ugly children. That’s what I’m trying at the moment. And besides over-committing my really-busy boyfriend to a sexy photoshoot on the beach, (thanks Bjorn, we look fleek AF) I don’t think I’m doing too badly. It’s true, he makes it easy,  and often leaves me thinking “hey, maybe forever is doable after all?”